Archive for 'step siblings'

Key to blended family success is communication

Monday, May 13th, 2013 at 11:26 am  
ID 10034778 Key to blended family success is communication

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Communication in your blended family

As blended family managers, leaders, and parents, you have so many responsibilities and goals. Sometimes it is hard to know where your attention is most needed. This question, though, has an easy answer. Your prime directive is to make a success of your marriage. Without it, you stand to lose – and your children do, too – the nurturing and stable home environment you all want and need.  A strong marital relationship provides the confidence, support, and most importantly, the relationship model your entire step family needs to grow together in a caring and mutually supportive family unit.

Taking care of business

Give your marriage the attention it needs, deserves, and thrives on. You never hear a recently divorced person say their marriage failed because their spouse was such a good communicator. The lack of useful communication between couples is often a major reason for break up.  If one or the other is not talking, or ignoring the other, you have a major problem in your relationship. Your marriage deserves better, and so does your entire step family. Make it a point to spend quality time together, to talk, to celebrate your relationship, to remember why you fell in love, to make plans for your future together. Go out together, without the kids, on a regular basis. Sure, the kids need you at home. But, even more, they need you to be in a stable and supportive relationship so you can help them cope with the relationships in their lives.

Conflict is standard fare for the blended family

Many people are simply uncomfortable with conflict, and try to avoid it at all costs. This may sound fairly agreeable, wishing to avoid unhappy feelings, harsh words, or blame, but if you and your blended family partner cannot feel comfortable talking things out, how are you going to manage your blended family? You need to be able to talk through and find solutions for issues your biological kids and step kids are having, and problems you and your spouse experience as step parents. The fact is, the blended family home is highly susceptible to conflicts that can undermine your best efforts to build a place of peace and contentment for you and your children. If you do not feel comfortable with conflict, you should make its acquaintance soon.

Four precursors of marital problems

Your marital relationship is vital to the survival of your blended family. How are you doing? Here are some indicators that poor communication skills are dragging you and your relationship down.

  • Personal attacks. Instead of asking for what you want, you criticize the other as a person whenever you are disappointed with their performance or behavior.
  • Defensiveness. In response to being questioned or criticized, you counter attack to avoid taking responsibility for the issue. When arguing, you bring up unrelated issues that give you leverage or resurrect old arguments that take focus away from you.
  • Contempt.  Name calling and treating one another as flawed or inferior show a disregard and disrespect for one another that can be hard to overcome.
  • Stonewalling.  Shutting down or withdrawing emotionally and physically from the relationship are clear signs that your marriage is in trouble.

If any of these indicators seem to fit you and your step family partner, seek counseling as soon as possible to avert an impending disaster. Your blended family is counting on the two of you to make things work. Good luck with your blended family. It takes work but is worth the effort. If you need additional assistance, contact The Blended and Step Family Resource Center for coaching.

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Rating: 9 out of 10 (from 12 votes)

Handling the hateful things your ex-spouse says to your kids

Monday, May 6th, 2013 at 10:39 am  
ID 10034758 Handling the hateful things your ex spouse says to your kids

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When your kids hear negative talk from your ex-spouse

Parents who badmouth their ex-spouse in front of the children simply do not understand how such negative behavior affects their kids. All the unhappy parent knows is that he or she is angry and hurt, with an urgent need to feel supported and understood by their kids. Ignorance is no excuse, however, for unloading adult feelings onto your children, in effect demanding that they somehow make you feel better.  It is your duty as the grown-up, as the parent, to help your children cope with divorce, remarriage, and the many challenges of step family life. Expecting your kids to be your sounding board or confidante, to help you cope, is grossly inappropriate.  It is especially unfair to expect your kids to take your side against their other parent

Shared loyalties are central to blended family life

Children in a blended family situation have shared loyalties. They feel loyalty, in varying degrees, to biological parents, to step parents, to step siblings, and to other extended step family members. The inner conflict that badmouthing creates for children can be crushing.  At a time when they need encouragement rather than division, kids often react to pressures which would split their loyalties by withdrawing from everyone rather than having to take sides.

How to help when your kids hear bad things about you

If you learn your ex-spouse has been badmouthing you, your new spouse, or your step children – to your kids, ask them how they feel about what they have heard, and listen to their thoughts. Be careful to react with more concern than anger, the concern being for your children. Empathize by saying that you understand how upsetting it must be to hear those things.  If they have been told something that is untrue, clarify the misinformation immediately, then simply state that the other parent was mistaken. Do not retaliate by saying cruel things about the other parent. That will only make matters worse.

Can you make your ex stop badmouthing you?

In the past, step family counselors tended toward recommendations to hold your tongue and avoid confrontation, but many experts are now saying it might be best to address the issue formally. Meet the problem head-on by making a formal request that your ex-spouse stop badmouthing you, your blended family partner, or the step siblings of your kids. Often, the parent doing the badmouthing honestly does not realize he or she is behaving badly, but may resent hearing it from you. You may want to ask a trusted relative to call it to their attention. Or you might suggest a meeting with a counselor or mediator to discuss the problem and agree on ways to rectify the situation for the benefit of your kids. Sometimes being held to account as all it takes for your ex-spouse to stop the negative behavior.

Teaching the truth and other life skills

If your ex-spouse does not want to cooperate, you and your blended family partner are on your own and will need a more proactive approach. Make your step family home an environment where people make judgments based on what they know is true, not on what they hear. Teach your kids, and your step kids, that simply hearing something over and over again does not make it true.  Encourage them to ask questions about everything, including things they may hear from your ex-spouse, and to consider whether something he or she says about you or the blended family members sounds likely or totally impossible. Promise your kids that you will always tell them the truth, and then, always tell them the truth! It can be quite a consolation, or perhaps a warning, that kids do figure out the truth of what their parents have said by the time they become adults.  If you need additional assistance contact The Blended and Step Family Resource Center for coaching.

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Rating: 10 out of 10 (from 14 votes)

Step family quotes a resource for blended family members

Wednesday, April 17th, 2013 at 11:03 am  
ID 10033413 Step family quotes a resource for blended family members

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Search blended family quotes

When you find yourself wondering where to turn for a new idea, for a new approach, or for a whole new attitude, browse step family quotes for a refreshing look at how someone else feels about their blended family. There are many websites containing quotes about blended families that offer a fresh point of view or a word of encouragement.

Conflict in the blended family

Whenever you are in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.  This observation by Timothy Bentley reminds that when we are struggling with step family relationships, we should be aware how fragile they can be. Indeed, attitudes control our lives.  To paraphrase Tom Blandi, the secret power of your attitude is at work twenty-four hours a day, for good or for bad. It is important to learn how to harness and control its influence on others. Listening to your spouse or a step child, really listening, means that you must set aside any preconceptions you have about them or about the subject matter at hand. It means that if you see your step child as a problem, your spouse as wrong, yourself as right but unappreciated, or the situation at hand as unsolvable, chances are that these so-called truths will be the end result of your attempts to address conflict.

Communication the path to understanding

What we really need to know we often learn best from someone who has already survived the divorce-remarriage-blended family-step family struggles which we are now facing.  Among the various books, articles, blogs, and websites written by step family veterans, across the board, all contributors stress the importance of good communication. Transparency, openness, and understanding are absolutely vital to healthy and effective communication, whether it is between blended family spouses, step parent and step child, step siblings, parent and ex-spouse, or with extended step family members. Read accounts of how others have approached blended family challenges, and re-read them again later on, to glean ideas you were not ready to understand the first time you read them. Words have a way of being understood only when the reader is ready for them. Keep at it!

Your blended family, like all families, will undergo its share of conflict, struggle, misunderstandings, arguments, crises, losses, and failures. Your blended family group can rise above all that and build loving step family relationships that nurture, comfort and sustain you all as a family with massive infusions of understanding, loving kindness, mutual respect, tolerance, and above all, patience. Hang in there! The effort is worth it the first time you hear a step child introduce you as My Other Mom or My Other Dad, or receive a spontaneous and heart-felt hug or thanks for the first time. Life can be very good for the blended family that learns to use all the tools available to help. Whether your inspiration comes from friends, books, or blended family quotes, run with it!

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Rating: 10 out of 10 (from 14 votes)

Looking for blended family advice

Monday, April 1st, 2013 at 8:41 am  
ID 10063659 Looking for blended family advice

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It’s time to get blended family advice for your step family

If conflicts between you and your blended family partner, conflicts between step siblings, or conflicts between a step parent and step children in your home have you looking for blended family advice, you need resources outside your family. Make no mistake, it is a long journey, and sometimes difficult; with clear objectives, commitment, and a little help along the way, you will find the blended family journey worth taking.

The journey is the destination for a successful blended family

Building and managing your step family is a gradual process. Journeys generally take us to a particular place, making it easy to recognize when the journey is over. But there is no direct route to a balanced and happy blended family. As a matter of fact, there is no THERE at all! With step family relationships, the journey itself is the destination. It is everyday give and take a blended family experiences; it is step parents, step children, and step siblings allowing themselves to be open with and accepting of others; it is strengthening and redefining relationships with biological children; it is creating an environment of mutual respect and loving kindness which encourages the development of healthy and supportive relationships and, ultimately, blended family ties.

Operating in the present

Managing a step family is a 100 percent undertaking, one that requires ceaseless attention and devotion. This is basically true with all families, but as we know, challenges specific to the blended family make paying close attention to individual feelings and needs even more poignant. The success of the relationship you and your partner share is absolutely vital to your blended family. Children and step children need stability and structure, and need reassurance that they are not forgotten, abandoned, or overlooked. When you and your blended family partner focus on making your current relationship strong enough to withstand step family struggles and deep enough to reassure your children that lasting love is possible, everyone wins. It is not easy, though, to always listen when your kids talk to you; it is hard to set aside time alone with your spouse.

Fake it until you make it- blended family quotes

Author Harold Hubert has been credited with several blended family quotes, among them: Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. Tongue in cheek, Mr. Hubert reminds us that love cannot be earned – we choose to give it, or we choose not to give it. It is terrible to consider a world in which only the deserving are loved! Sure, learning to love and accept step children is as hard for you as it is for the step siblings in your blended family to accept and love each other. The answer? Fake it until you make it! Treating each other with respect and consideration can look and feel like love, and is certainly a better strategy than communicating in cold or uncaring ways.

Blended family quotes

Look for blended family quotes that speak to you and your step family. Write them down. Hang them up. Post them on mirrors. Share them. Take comfort and reassurance from them. Read blended family advice blogs and websites, making use of wisdom that helps you today. The next time you read them, you may take away something entirely new!

When we accept that our blended families are a work in progress, and not a finished product, we can let go of stress and self-doubt about our capabilities as parents and step parents. We can live and operate in the present … which is the best way to build a future. If you need more help, consider contacting The Blended and Step Family Resource Center for coaching or going through the book, Blended Family Advice, together.

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Rating: 9 out of 10 (from 13 votes)

Gaining the respect of your blended family step kids and your spouse

Monday, March 4th, 2013 at 8:50 am  
ID 10034773 Gaining the respect of your blended family step kids and your spouse

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Step parenting not what you expected

You and your new spouse hope that your blended family will provide the kind of loving and nurturing environment you all want and deserve. You want it to supply the missing pieces in all your lives and your hearts caused by the losses of divorce or parental death. The problem is, even though you are all together now, you feel surprisingly isolated and alone. Your biological kids are acting out in ways you have not seen for years, unhappy sharing you and their space with a step parent and step siblings. Your step kids act like you are invisible, or like you are the enemy. They speak to you rudely and treat you like a piece of furniture. They roll their eyes when you speak, ignore what you have just said, and dare you to do something about it!

Parenting by guilt or by fear

This certainly is not what you had in mind when you formed your blended family! When you try to tell your partner how rude or defiant his or her kids are being, you are reminded that they are just kids. You feel angry and misunderstood. Later on, your partner explains that being strict is hard when the kids only come over on weekends and holidays, and if it is not fun for them, they may not want to come. This argument against discipline might be filed under the category of Parenting by Guilt, cross-referenced with Parenting by Fear. Neither method does anyone any good, either in the long run, or for the short term.

You deserve respect in your blended family home

The biggest challenge step parents face is lack of respect from the step kids, and negligible support from their partners. It is truly difficult to invest in a marriage and a blended family if you feel disrespected and unappreciated.  It is easy to understand why many step parents consider giving up, especially if their blended family partner always defends the kids and acts like it is your fault when they misbehave. Partners who ally themselves with children against a step parent miss the promise of a strong couple relationship that can lend stability to children thrown into a blended family.  You are tired of being disrespected, and ready to lay down the law. Or worse yet, you are ready to pack your bags and leave.

Hold on there a minute

Before you pack your bags and leave, remember that there is a solution. Voice your unhappiness with the situation, and your disappointment, clearly, concisely, and without attacking either your partner or their kids. Arrange a special meeting away from the kids so that you two can talk without distractions.  Plan what you are going to say. Do not get angry, cry, or threaten to leave. Here are some topics you should consider:

  • Boundaries. Set clear boundaries on what behaviors you will and will not accept. Explain exactly what bothers you, being sure to tell your partner why it bothers you and how the behavior makes you feel. Ask him or her for suggestions on how to deal with their kids. Children need boundaries, and have a grudging respect for parents who set and defend them.
  • Choose your battles. Discuss what behaviors you are willing to allow and what is non-negotiable. Choose your battles, and make sure the consequences of rule-breaking fit the infraction.
  • Written rules. Work with your partner to create a clear and concise set of rules. As you decide on rules, be sure that you and your partner are united. Kids know a weak spot when they see it, and are experts at using your weaknesses to get their way. If you and your partner cannot agree on clear boundaries, you risk raising children who habitually push the limits to see how much they can get away with.
  • Be consistent with your follow through. One of the biggest mistakes parents and step parents make is to punish a child for something one day, and let it slide the next. When you are inconsistent, you teach your children to disregard authority; not just parents, but teachers, supervisors, and police too.

Stand up for yourself. Show your partner and your kids that you respect yourself, by standing up for what is important, and by being clear and consistent about what you want. Over time, your family will come closer together, and you will begin to enjoy being together, building stronger relationships, and feeling more like a family. Give yourself and your blended family members the respect you all deserve. Mutual respect is the most important value a blended family can support. When mutual respect is the by-word of blended family life, the kind of loving and nurturing environment we all want and deserve can be possible. If you need more assistance, contact The Blended and Step Family Resource Center.

144

Rating: 9 out of 10 (from 15 votes)

Searching for happiness in your blended family

Wednesday, February 27th, 2013 at 8:13 am  
ID 10035814 Searching for happiness in your blended family

Image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

Blended Families- can you make everyone happy?

The blended family is rapidly becoming a common phenomenon, in celebration of the search for happiness we human beings treasure. Each new blended family represents an opportunity to overcome loss and loneliness, and a second chance at creating a stable and nurturing home for us and our children. Lofty hopes and expectations notwithstanding, creating a blended family takes time, effort and commitment the process.  For the committed partners who work at it, creating and managing a successful blended family can fulfill their dream. Nevertheless, certain stages must be experienced and surpassed.

Wishes and other fantasies

When two adults with children merge to form a blended family, they bring along a set of fantasies, wishes, and unspoken expectations. The hope most often carried into a blended family is that, at last, everyone will have the reliable and nourishing relationships that had been missing in their lives. This lovely fantasy, however, relies on an impossible expectation that step parents and step children, and step siblings, will immediately form loving bonds.  In fact, there is often mistrust and outright hostility, causing fear, anger, and doubt for parents and children alike. Adults quickly become disappointed and at a loss for what to do next, and kids hold on to the hope their parents will someday get back together. Giving up fantasies is especially hard when it means another loss.

Reality steps into the step family

The reality of step family structure becomes apparent relatively soon. While the resident step parent feels like an outsider, the biological parent and his or her children cope by being intensely connected. Step kids are suspicious, resentful, and often disrespectful of their new step parent, and quickly learn which buttons to push to keep him or her off balance. It is not uncommon for step parents to be threatened by the exclusive relationship between spouse and step kids, making them feel confused and inadequate. It is equally common for biological parents to wonder how their new partner could be such an inept step parent, or why he or she cannot love their children. An uneasy feeling that something is wrong surfaces and everyone wonders who is at fault.

Making sense of things

As time passes and discomfort can no longer be ignored, step family partners try to make sense out of the confusion. They begin to put names to their feelings and express them to each other. Step parents accept the powerful biological parent-child connection and the permanent connection with an ex-spouse co-parent, and learn to forgive themselves for feeling threatened. Accepting reality helps both adults better identify their needs and those of their kids. They let go of fantasies of what a step family should look like. As well, parents begin to understand more clearly, and to accept, that it is okay for them to feel more connected to their birth children than to step children; and they recognize the importance of a strong marital relationship to the survival of their blended family.  Taking a more realistic view of their blended family, they get on with getting to know the strangers they have joined.

Making meaningful changes

Change does not come without struggle, and step family growth can be especially chaotic and full of conflict. Arguments often appear trivial, but generally center around issues of power and control regarding the children, and the place of step parents in the mix. Step parents ask for inclusion and consideration with regard to step children and ex-spouses, and biological parents let go of familiar patterns and expectations. Blended family partners help their children learn to be more respectful and considerate, and teach communication skills that not only assist blended family goals but help build successful lives outside the family unit.

Walking the blended family walk

When blended family members finally realize that they are part of a system with ebbs and flows that will never be static, they finally reach the stage where agreements can be reached about how the family can best function. Adjustments at this stage change family structure as new boundaries are drawn and more realistic expectations are identified. Blended family members now understand each other better, and are better recognized and appreciated for themselves and their contribution to the family. Once every activity does not have the potential to devolve into a power struggle, blended family gatherings can become easier, mutually supportive and more loving. For more information and help for your blended family, contact The Blended and Step Family Resource Center.

160

Rating: 10 out of 10 (from 13 votes)

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