Summer Visitation in a Blended or Step Family

By Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC

It’s spring and although many of you are worrying about allergies and getting the lawn back in shape, a lot of families are struggling to plan their summer child visitation.

Be Fair

Kids need to spend time with both mom and dad.  Don’t force your child to choose between mom and dad- they need the love of both parents. Keep to your visitation agreements and allow your child to visit the non-custodial parent for as long as possible.

No Competitions

Spending more money on your child doesn’t mean you love them more.  Although it’s a rare child that will turn down expensive vacations and lots of gifts- but what’s really in their heart is a desire to spend time with each parent and feel loved and a valued member of their family. Don’t worry if your ex-spouse has arranged an expensive vacation in a foreign resort.  You child may come home with stories of how mom and stepdad spent most of the time on the golf course or at the spa, and they were left alone on the beach.  (Hopefully we are speaking of teenagers, not young children!)

An inexpensive camping trip or stay-cation (staying at home- seeing local museums and doing fun things around your city) is fine too.  Read the local newspaper and look for festivals or the once a month free day at the museum.   Cut out coupons, look for restaurant specials, or scan the internet for specials.  You can be a tourist in your hometown and still have a blast.

There’s nothing wrong with an expensive vacation at a resort, or giving your child gifts- but your focus should be on spending quality time with them, making memories and showing them you love them.

Stay Organized

Keep to your agreements, and don’t change the schedule unless an emergency arises. Each family should respect the other families, when considering making a schedule change. Vacations require reservations- possibly airplane tickets, or non-refundable deposits.  Once you agree on a summer schedule- respect and keep that schedule.  If you have remarried, your ex-spouse has remarried, and they each have ex-spouses… you see where this is going….one little change could have a domino effect on many different families and their lives.

Prepare Your Kids

If your child hasn’t spent much time during the year with the non-custodial parent, spend some time talking about their visit.  Discuss their fears and concerns.  Talk about their non-custodial parent, and how excited they are that the child is visiting.  If you have a younger child, sending them with their favorite stuffed animal, or a couple of their special bedtime stories, may comfort them.

Make sure your child has a way to contact you.  Supplying younger children with a prepaid cell phone is an excellent way to give your younger child a way to reach you, and yet not commit to giving them a cell phone, full time, until they are older and more responsible.  Arrange a time for them to communicate with you, on a regular basis- but try not to interfere with the other family’s schedule.

Sending daily texts to your kids- telling them you love them, and hope they have a great day is a non-intrusive way to communicate with your kids.  They can return your call later, when it’s a convenient time to talk, or go a couple of days, having fun with the other parent, and still know that mom or dad, at home, is thinking of them.

Medicines and Clothes

Make sure you send enough medicine to cover their visit, along with instructions on dosage.  Try to send medications in original bottles.

Check your child’s clothes, early (not the night before) to make sure he or she hasn’t outgrown their summer clothes and has at least enough clothes to go a week without laundry.  Label clothes if they are visiting a home with a similar sized child. 

Stay Positive!

Keep a positive attitude.  You can mention to your children that you will miss them when they are gone, but you will be busy doing other things. Tell them about a project you have wanted to work on, but haven’t had time to do.  Express your excitement to begin work on this project while they are visiting their other parent. 

Remind them it’s O.K. to have a great time on the visit, and you want to hear the wonderful stories when they come back.   Then- make sure you schedule projects, activities, your own vacation, or other things to keep yourself busy.  Look at the children’s visitation as an opportunity to spend time with your new spouse, or if you’re a single parent- spend some time on yourself!

Kids need their mom and dad.  Visitation times were scheduled so your child can maintain a healthy relationship with both of his parents.  Help your blended or step family become strong and successful.  Do what's right for the kids- and work with your ex-spouse to schedule a great visit for them.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a marriage and family therapist.  She is the founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center and author of Blended Family Advice. Shirley has a passion for helping blended and stepfamilies grow strong and be successful.  Sign up for our Free newsletter and receive a Free Report- Top Ten Worst Mistakes You Can Make in Your Blended Family.

http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com

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