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Attending a Step Family Member's FuneralA Reader recently asked: My husband is part of a blended family and his stepmother died last week. He had a cordial relationship with his stepmother and her children, but never a close relationship. Their interactions only occurred during large holiday family events. My husband is unable to attend the funeral due to a trip he has had planned for a very long time. He is being exceptionally hard on himself for not being able to go. He has even put off telling his stepmother's children because he feels so bad (even though they have implied in conversation that they don't expect him to be there). What has your experience been with others in similar situations? Is this a major a no-no to miss a stepparent's funeral - what are the "rules" on this situation? We would appreciate any thoughts you might be willing to share on this. Shirley Cress Dudley responds: This is difficult to answer. When a couple marries and forms a blended family, they do their best to "blend" the kids into a new unit. If the kids are older, it's more difficult, and the blending may only occur during holiday events. So- the answer is complicated.
A
blended family is still your family. I understand your husband's guilt and also
his concerns. If he can't make the trip to the funeral, and has other plans
that can't be changed, then he can't make it, and that's O.K. It would
be nice if he could tell his stepsiblings that he is sorry and send flowers or
other memorials. The stepsiblings may not expect him to attend, but may be comforted if he does attend (maybe
not.) It's always hard to tell with stepsiblings, and depends on the
relationship he had with them. My answer isn't an
easy one. It depends on the relationship he had with those that have died and
those who are living. We should attend the funeral to honor the dead, but also
support the living relatives. If we are close to these members of our blended
family- then attend. If not, then send your condolences and don't attend.
There are times when we can't attend a very close relative's funeral (due to
military service, illness, etc.) It would be best if he
could be honest with the step-siblings as soon as possible, explain that he
can't attend, but that his heart is with them (and send something to them-
flowers, card, donation to charity, etc.) He could follow up with a phone call in a couple of weeks, and maybe even a visit, a month later. I hope that helps. As his wife, it would be great if you could support your husband in whatever decision he makes.
Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master's degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master's degree in Education. She is the founder of The Blended & Step Family Resource Center- which offers coaching, ebooks, newsletters and more. Her website is: www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com Shirley is married and is in a stepfamily with five kids, ages 15-22. She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful. (You are welcome to reprint this article on your site as long as you print it in it's entirety, including the bio at the end and the links. Thank you.)
For more information on telephone coaching for step families with Shirley Cress Dudley, Blended and Step Family Coach.
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