By- Amy McCready

Do you feel like a broken record Mom and Dad? 

• "Don't forget to clean your room."
• "It's time to brush your teeth."
• "Come on - it's time to leave for school."
• "How many times do I have to tell you to get your homework done?"

Are you ready to get out of the "reminding business"? If so - it's time to Let Routines Be the Boss.

Routines provide a number of important benefits. First, routines provide the order and structure that children and adolescents need, because they provide consistency and security. Children are "hardwired" with a need for order. When events are predictable throughout the day and from one day to the next, they know what to expect and as a result, anxiety is reduced.  Children from blended families, who travel back and forth between mom and dad, need to know that dad and stepmom's house will have the same expectations, each time they visit.

Routines are also one of the most effective ways to avoid power struggles, negotiations, and arguments.  If you have routines, then your blended family will have less to argue about and wonder who is being treated fairly.

Without routines, the events of everyday life are always up for debate. If bedtime is 7:30pm on Monday and 8:15pm on Tuesday and 9:30pm on the weekend, children are correct in assuming that there is no firm bedtime. As a result, bedtime becomes open to negotiation every night. "What do you mean we have to go to bed at 7:30pm, Mom? We stayed up until 9:00pm last night!"

By establishing a consistent bedtime, the topic is no longer open for debate. Bedtime is firm. It is the "law". If bedtime is consistent, children won't get a "payoff" for arguing over bedtime. Without this "payoff", they will realize that there is no point in trying to negotiate the issue.

When structuring family routines, parents should use a When-Then Routine. A When-Then Routine is a routine in which they require that less desirable tasks be completed before the child may enjoy more desirable tasks or privileges.

For example, homework must be completed before playtime, computer time, or TV time. When your homework is done, then, you can go out and play. In this routine, one event naturally follows the other so there is no point in discussing it.

When creating When-Then Routines, determine which tasks are the "non-negotiables".  These are the tasks that must be done before privileges can be enjoyed. Depending on the age of the child, the morning "non-negotiables" may include: making the bed, getting dressed, putting pajamas away, setting the backpack and lunch box by the door, etc. In other words, the "non-negotiables" should be all of those tasks that you want done every day but find yourself reminding your child to do.

Once you define the non-negotiables, you can create the When-Then Routine. The non-negotiables must be completed before the more desirable tasks or privileges can be enjoyed. For example, "When your bed is made, you are fully dressed, the pajamas are away and your backpack and lunch box are by the door - then breakfast will be served."

In a When-Then Routine, the desirable task or privilege must be something that the child cares about. In this example, if the child didn't care about eating breakfast before school, then that wouldn't motivate him to take action on the less desirable tasks. A more effective routine might be, "when you are finished, then, you may have 20 minutes of playtime"

Apply the same principle to other common routines:

After school: When your homework is complete and you have practiced piano, then you can have playtime/computer time/video time, etc.

Bedtime: When your pajamas are on, teeth are brushed and flossed, clothes picked out for the morning and room picked up, then we can have story time/snuggle time, etc.

Important caveat: Don't forget to place a deadline on the when-then routine when it is appropriate. For example, "When you complete all tasks, then we can have story time - up until 7:30pm!" You must state the end time because if she dawdles until 7:25pm, then she only has five minutes for a story. Lights are out at 7:30pm - no matter what. This provides an incentive for her to complete the undesirable tasks quickly so she has more time for the fun stuff

When you begin structuring When-Then Routines, have a conversation about the need for a new routine and explain it in advance. Also, it is helpful to solicit the input of older children, when creating their routine.

As everyone is becoming accustomed to the When-Then Routine, it is helpful to post the routine in a convenient location. When Jr. arrives in the kitchen in his pajamas on a school morning, don't lecture about the new routine: instead, calmly state, "It's great to see you! When you are dressed, then we'll have breakfast". Then - disengage!! If he wants to negotiate, complain or argue - keep your smile, walk away, and busy yourself with something else. If you disengage and walk away - there is no one with whom to argue!

When you begin using When-Then statements and routines, say it (with a smile and calm voice) and emphasize the words "when" and "then". As you continue to use

When-Then Routines - there will be no need to repeat the statement. Your children will know that the routine is the "law" and the "boss." This is the reason that we call this tool "Let Routines Be the Boss." When you clearly communicate the When-Then Routines and you remain firm about them, there is no need to continuously remind or nag. The routine becomes the boss! It is a wonderful thing. Parents LOVE the When-Then Routine!

Weekend Routines - Weekend routines will naturally vary slightly from weekday routines; however, be cautious of deviating too much. For example, weekend bedtimes should be within 30 minutes of weeknight routines. This is because children require the same amount of sleep on weekends as weeknights. When children stay up late on weekends, most of them will still wake up according to their normal morning schedule. This will lead to a sleep deficit. If they are up late on Friday and Saturday nights, then they will struggle going to bed on Sunday nights. Therefore it is important to keep sleep patterns consistent throughout the week.

On weekends, you should still require your child to perform most of their school morning tasks; however, you can offer more time flexibility. For example, the When-Then changes to..."When your tasks are complete, then you may watch 30 minutes of TV, video game, playtime, etc."

Routines are great for both kids and their parents, especially blended families. Routines provide children with structure, predictability, and a sense of order that is vital to their well-being. They also help parents avoid power struggles because Mom and Dad aren't trying to "be the boss". Parents are only controlling the environment by controlling the order in which events occur. Therefore the child also has power because he is in complete control as to when he has access to privileges.

Amy McCready is the founder of Positive Parenting Solutions.