Love Your Child More Than You Despise Your Ex

If every divorced parent could love their child more than they despise their former spouse, things would be better for children, parents and step-parents alike.  Probably the person least prepared to handle the ramifications of divorce is the one most affected the by parents' inability to get along - the child.  Divorced parents can come to an uneasy truce as they learn to navigate separate lives, but the event of a new marriage for one is often enough to tip the boat for the other, and anger comes to the forefront.

Bitter words said to or about a former spouse don't hurt the ex nearly as much as they hurt the child.  Whether the divorce is a fresh wound or an old scar reopened by the remarriage of an ex, there are things that no child needs their parents to do. In the interest of the child, no parent - biological or step - should criticize the other parents to the child, try to impair the child's love for another parent or use under-handed tactics to try to preserve the child's loyalty for themselves.
In that interest, many versions of a child of divorce's Bill of Rights can be found, such as this one cited on a blog written by a stepmother.

Children of Divorce: Bill of Rights
1. The right not to be asked to "choose sides" or be put in a situation where I would have to take sides between my parents.
2. The right to be treated as a person and not as a pawn, possession or a negotiating chip.
3. The right to freely and privately communicate with both parents.
4. The right not to be asked questions by one parent about the other.
5. The right not to be a messenger.
6. The right to express my feelings.
7. The right to adequate visitation with the non-custodial parent which will best serve my needs and wishes.
8. The right to love and have a relationship with both parents without being made to feel guilty.
9. The right not to hear either parent say anything bad about the other.
10. The right to the same educational opportunities and economic support that I would have had if my parents did not divorce.
11. The right to have what is in my best interest protected at all times.
12. The right to maintain my status as a child and not to take on adult responsibilities for the sake of the parent's well being.
13. The right to request my parents seek appropriate emotional and social support when needed.
14. The right to expect consistent parenting at a time when little in my life seems constant or secure.
15. The right to expect healthy relationship modeling, despite the recent events.
16. The right to expect the utmost support when taking the time and steps needed to secure a healthy adjustment to the current situation.

Yet another take on children's rights during a divorce, this one written by Los Angeles divorce attorney Stacy D. Phillips, is here.

Licensed professional counselor Pamela Firles, Dripping Stones, Texas, wrote a Child of Divorce bill of rights that can be seen here.

Psychologist, divorce mediator and author Robert Emery, Charlottesville, VA, penned this version.

A lengthier variation of the Children's Bill of Rights, written by Austin, Texas, divorce attorney Bob Robertson, is here. 

Children should never feel they have to pretend not to love any of the parents who care for them, whether those parents are biological or step-parents. Angry words, recriminations and manipulation merely angers the other parents, but it hurts the heart of the child.