When Parents Have Different Rules

by-Patty Moyes

There is probably nothing more frustrating than opposition from within when you're trying to raise children. You have your morals, values, and religious beliefs and you're going to pass them on to your children, right? Oh wait! Not so easy. What if your new spouse's rules or standards are different than yours? What if your ex's are?

Every home has rules and standards. Each person was brought up in a different environment with different experiences. Just as regular two-parent homes have to establish a plan to raise their children, blended families must do this as well. First thing to do is to sit down with your new spouse and discuss your goals in raising the children. (Hopefully you did this before getting married!) Next, you have to come up with rules and standards that will apply to all of the children: privileges, chores, and even spending limits. As if this wasn't hard enough, now you have to find out what's going on at the other parent's house. I suggest having a meeting with all the parents involved. This may not happen if there are issues with exes and new spouses, but at least you and your ex should sit down. Just as you once shared a plan, there should still be a consistent plan in raising the children. Things like what's watched on T.V., what is allowed on the computer, the music they listen to, church attendance, attire, etc. are things to be discussed and at least a rule of thumb established.

There are times when you will not be able to compromise or circumstances when you cannot come up with shared goals. When your child comes home from dad's house and tells you they watched Scarface, don't panic. Don't call your ex screaming and threatening to take the children away. This not only causes conflict between houses, which is damaging to the children, but also throws your child under the bus for telling you. (This is especially true when the other parent says something brilliant like "don't tell mommy".) At this point you are now betraying your child's confidence.

If this is something that happens to you, whether occasionally or constantly, you need to sit down with your child and explain why you have certain rules in your household. Explain to them your overall goal in raising them. Don't bad mouth their other parent. This is damaging and hurtful to them. Tell them you're not sure why daddy allows certain things and that daddy loves them and that his goal is for their good as well. Sometimes, the other parent isn't even aware of what the kids are watching or what they're doing. In this case, you need to talk to them about it so that they'll be more involved. If the other household is allowing things that are blatantly different than yours, unless it is dangerous or something that you need to remove the children from, keep the conversations flowing. Make sure you are providing an atmosphere where your children can tell you everything and use those opportunities to again reinforce your values and goals. As they grow up, they will know the difference and be able to discern for themselves what they should or should not do regardless of whose home they're in.

Patty Moyes is a blended family writer for the San Bernadino Examiner.