1- Be very affectionate with your new spouse in front of the kids- Your kids have a lot to get used to- a new stepparent, stepsiblings and a new house.  But… having to watch Dad smooching on the back of new stepmom’s neck is just a little too much for your kids! It’s O.K. to hold hands occasionally, but keep it all very G rated and leave the “hot and heavy” to your moments alone.

2- Pretend that nothing has changed- A blended family is very different from a biological family.  It takes time for everyone, including the adults, to get used to this new arrangement.  Assure children that they are loved and their relationship to both mom and dad has not changed- they have just added new family members.

3- Give biological children special treatment and treat step kids as second class citizens- It’s crucial that you treat all children, whether biological or step, the same.  The kids are watching to see if anyone gets special treatment.  Examples:  house rules should apply to everyone, birthdays should receive similar treatment, etc.

4- Treat your new step kids as competitors- There should not be any competitions in a blended family.   Children sometimes feel that the new stepparent is a new enemy- a competitor for them.  The new stepparent may feel the same way about the kids- that these step kids are someone who takes time away from their new spouse. Tell everyone that there are no competitions and no threats.  Relax and get to know each other. 

5- Make kids the center of the family and the center of the marriage- Sometimes the reason our previous marriage failed is because kids were in the center of the relationship.  Remember this mistake and keep you and your spouse in the center of this new family. 

6- Don’t give any individual time to your spouse- only have family time- As stated above, focusing only on the kids and always having family time will ruin your new marriage.  Set aside time, each day (even if it’s just a few minutes at bedtime) to be alone with your spouse.  Schedule date nights 2-4 times a month, when the children are not invited, and focus on your marriage. Children thrive in a stable and strong marriage.

7- Erase Discipline and Structure from Your New Blended Family- Some parents believe that the kids have been through so much- divorced parents, remarriage, new homes, etc. that it’s time to back down on the discipline.  Children appreciate structure.  Now is not the time to take the structure away, during all of these changes. Be consistent, keep house rules, develop new rules for your new family, and treat all children, biological and step children- the same.  Let the biological parent take the lead in discipline, but let kids see you as a “united front.”

8- Say negative things about your ex, in front of the kids- Keep adult matters, such as custody issues, child support and visitation arguments, away from the kids.  Don’t let the kids hear you complain about your ex- that’s their parent.  Keep kids separated from these issues.

9- Reminisce about the past-Don’t reminisce about the past.  Focus on developing new traditions with your new family, not talking about the “old days” when biological mom and dad were together. 

10- Don’t give visiting kids any personal space in your new house- Each biological and stepchild does not need their own bedroom, but everyone needs some personal space.  Make sure even a visiting child has a place to leave their stuff, and put some personal items around.

If you avoid these Ten Worst Mistakes, you and your family are well on their way to creating a newly blended family, that will grow together in time.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education.  She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful.  Visit our website for more help with your blended family issues.  Purchase Blended Family Advice for your own blended family instruction manual.  Also get your own Blended Family Survival Kit to help your step family grow together successfully.

http://www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com/