A reader asks: I married a man that had no children. We have 2 kids together and I also have 2 children from another marriage.My teenage daughter is always fighting with my husband.  He is upset if I don't take his side, and she is upset if I don't stick up for her. What can I do?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

I understand you are in a difficult situation.  You feel in the middle, between your husband and your daughter- wanting to defend/protect/support both of them. Let's back away from the issues and start over a bit. 

It's time for you and your husband to form some blended family rules and guidelines for your family.  These guidelines will apply to everyone in the house (biological, step kids- everyone.)  You and your husband will develop these house rules and guidelines in some private time- with only the two of you present. Make sure each of you expresses your needs and goals for the family.  You both may need to compromise a little, but be prepared to present these guidelines to the kids as a united front.

If the kids do not follow your guidelines, make sure they know there will be consequences.  Consequences should be fair for all kids (although maybe a little different based on their developmental stages.  Examples: time out for the little ones, younger teens lose their phones, and older teens lose use of the car for a set period of time.)

Let the biological parent be the "heavy" in enforcing the rules for the kids.  The step parent should be in a supportive role, but not the lead role in the discipline. This should work if you both agree on the guidelines, remind the kids, and then enforce consequences.

You and your husband are the center of the marriage.  Making these guidelines is crucial to the stability of your home.  You are not favoring one person over another by forming guidelines- you are parenting your kids in the best way you can.  Remind all kids that you love them and expect respect and kindness in your home.  The adults should set the example.

For more help on this subject, read chapter 2 of Blended Family Advice.

Shirley