A Reader
asks: "My 17 yr old daughter & I moved into my husband's house &
he has a 19 yr old daughter at home who rarely does chores. I buy the
groceries, clean up & make my 17-year-old help. My husband doesn't
understand why this bothers me so much. How can I get my husband to understand
this isn't right?
Shirley Cress Dudley
responds-Well,
there are several issues:
- Your stepdaughter sees you as an invasion to her home.
You want to change the rules, but she doesn't see the need to change. She
has probably acted this way for some time and wonders why Dad's new wife
wants her to change her behavior.
- Your children (biological and step) are being treated
differently.
- You and your husband have not established a blended
family home together.
It sounds as it moving into
a new home isn't an option. In this economy, I truly understand. If that were
possible, I would recommend it as the ideal scenario. However- in your current
situation, it’s time for you and your husband to establish yourselves as the
new parental unit of the home- with new house rules and expectations.
Spend some quality time
with your husband, explaining how you would like to figure out ways everyone in
the family can feel at home here. Talk with him about how you imagine your home
to function, and how you see each family member participating. Use “I” words,
not “you.” Don't focus on your stepdaughter’s issues; instead, concentrate on
the way you imagine things could be. For example, “I imagine a household where
everyone picks up after themselves, everyone has assigned chores, and we all
work together as a family.”
Discuss with your husband
what house rules and expectations you believe are important. Together, make a
list of guidelines for your girls to follow. Each of you may have to “give a
little” to get what’s most important to you. When you talk with the girls, you
need to appear as a “united front.” Tell the girls that you are going to
have a family meeting, and they need to be there.
Set aside responsibilities
for each teenager. These responsibilities come with living in the home and
acting as a family member.Tell both girls you want your new home to be a great
place for everyone. Remind them that you love them and want what’s best. As
long as they live with you-they are under your care and your supervision. As
they get older and more independent (which the 19 year old should be heading in
this direction, if she is not in school) they will eventually want to move out
on their own, and make their own decisions. But, as long as they live with you
(i.e.- eat your food, live in your house) they will be under your guidelines
and expectations.
There should also be
consequences for not doing their part as a family member. Any child (no matter
what age) that is still living in the home, should follow parent’s
instructions. You may need to take away use of a phone, car, or television,
until you see your guidelines met. Make sure your husband takes the lead in
enforcing rules with his daughter, and you take the lead with your daughter.
It may be difficult for
your husband to enforce guidelines with his daughter, if things have gotten a
little lax over the last few years. Encourage him, and remind him of all
the reasons you love him. I wish you both the best. For more information, Read
chapters 1 & 2 of Blended Family Advice.
