A stepmom asks:

My husband and I have been living together with my children from a previous marriage for 3 years now, (ages 10 &13). We married just over a year ago. We have a good relationship together with the children; they accepted him right away. The tension lays with two issues. My ex-husband and my husband knew each other. My husband says he has difficulty bonding with my children because some of their character traits remind him of the negative side of my ex. My ex-husband tells our son lies about me, which causes our son great distress. This angers my current husband because we are under a court order not to discuss the legal issues with the children. I agree it is frustrating when we are forced to smile and champion their father. My question is how can my husband look beyond the physical and charactistic similarities my children have inherited from their father and still deal with the negative influence he has on the children?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

I see a couple of issues.  It's hard to solve something this complicated with an email, but I'll give it a start-  All of our children display some of our positive and negative attributes.  If your husband could look for those positive attributes (that also exist in you) and love your children through you. They may remind him of his old friend, at times, but, now he has the advantage of changing their behavior, from being with them on a more regular basis.

I agree that it does not help children to be involved in the adult battles, or hear negative talk about other parents. I know it's difficult, but you don't have to "champion" their Dad, just avoid negative talk about him.  If the kids come home telling stories about how he spoke negatively about you and your spouse, tell them that "we don't speak negatively about your Dad in this house, and don't want to hear the negative talk from his house."  Encourage the kids to also ask their Dad to refrain from involving them in the adult matters.  It is O.K. to say, "We don't agree with some of your Dad's choices."- and leave it at that.

It sounds very difficult (and it is) but taking the higher road will be the best path to a successful marriage and blended family.  No negative talk about the ex, in front of the kids, and raise your children through mutually agreed upon house rules (developed by you and your new spouse.)  For more information, read Chapter Nine of Blended Family Advice.

Also, don't forget couple times, at least twice a month, when you and your husband go on dates and do special things together.  And- at least once a day, some time alone to talk and process the day.

It can work out, but lowering yourself to your ex's level of behavior doesn't benefit you, your kids, or your new marriage. Look positively towards the future, and raise your kids to do this also.