A step mom recently asked: I have a 10 year old stepson who
gets along great with his other step brothers that live with him with his bio
mom. He asked us if we can have these boys over our house but I don't feel
comfortable with this. We did it twice and I feel he doesn't spend time then
with us when we have him for two weeks. Also my husband feels the need to have a
relationship with the ex in-laws. This also makes me uncomfortable because he
involves me in the situation like having breakfast with them and inviting them
over to our house and I feel uncomfortable around them. It bothers me and I
don't know if I am being selfish or what his motives are. Should I be ok with
this?
Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
It's difficult to answer this question without more information- but I'll give it a shot...
Talk with your husband about your
concerns. I don't see a problem in maintaining a relationship with the stepson's
grandparents (would that be the ex-spouse's parents?)- as long as he keeps your
marriage a priority. It's O.K. to be uncomfortable, and actually quite normal.
I do think it is crucial for you to be with your husband when he visits with
them (so they see you as a married couple.) Just share your fears and concerns,
with your husband and then listen and let him
respond.
I also think it's O.K. for your
stepson to have his other step brothers over for a visit- just make it a short
one. If he is visiting you for 2 weeks, they could come over 1-2 afternoons to
play, but not stay over night. That might be a good
compromise. Also, you could remind your stepson that he spends time with his stepbrothers when he is at his mom's house- so during the visits with you and his Dad, you'd like to spend some dedicated time wtih him.
Your husband chose you because he loves you. I think you may have some insecurities
over his talking with the in-laws, but he will always have some sort of
relationship with them, because all of you have a part in raising his son. As
long as you and your husband are the core of the relationship- and your
marriage is in the center of it all, getting the most attention, then all that
you mentioned will be O.K.
It may be good to talk with your
husband about scheduling regular date nights, each week (or at least 2-3 times a
month) and also time, each day, to check in with each other and talk about the
day. It sounds like your marriage may need a little more attention, so that you
can "weather" the difficulties of having a blended
family.
I hope this helps. Let me know if
it does. If not, you could consider blended family coaching. I would spend some
time talking to you and your husband and helping you work through these issues
so that both of you are happy. www.blendedfamilyadvice.com/CoachingwithShirleyCressDudley
