A Reader asks:
I am in a relationship after being separated for 5
years. I have 2 boys 22&20 (at
university,) and an 11 year old daughter.
My girlfriend has an 11-year-old girl and a 7-year-old boy. We do not all live in the same house we but
are looking around for a place for all of us.
My main problem is I struggle to have any sort of relationship with the
7 year old. He has no motivation to
either do anything that means hard work.
The two girls are in the same class at school and get along fine. I have a good relationship with my ex while
my partner's and her ex are at each other most of the time. Any advice on how to get along better with
the 7 year old?
Shirley Cress Dudley
responds:
I see several issues. Right
now, you are in the "relationship stage" - getting to know each other and
spending time together. The time spent
with your girlfriend's 7 year old boy should be fun and engaging- opportunities
to get to know him better, and for him to get to know you.
I see that you are looking
into putting the family together into one home.
I wouldn't advise living together, but would encourage you to consider
marriage. When you are living together,
you don't have the same level of commitment as marriage, so the kids will not
see the need to commit to the family either. The higher level of commitment
(marriage) will help all of your kids better adjust to the blended family. This will also help your college kids respect
the relationship.
Once you are a family,
together in the same home, then I would suggest you and your wife develop house
rules and guidelines. These guidelines
include family chores and expectations for each child's participation in the
family. These guidelines would apply to all the kids, whether living fulltime,
part time, or visiting your home. You
present these guidelines to all the kids, and the biological parent enforces
them. Then the 7 year old would experience consequences if he did not
participate in his assigned family chores.
It may also be helpful to
get premarital counseling or coaching for your blended family, and purchase
some resources to learn more about the nuances of blending a family. For more information on resources- check out
http://www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com
