A Stepmom asks:

HELP!

I am tired of losing sleep. I married a man 7 years ago with 4 kids.  I have 2 kids from my first marriage. When we first got together, his parents and only sister welcomed me and my children into their family. They called on birthdays and sent presents for biological and stepkids. My parents are dead.

3 years ago, the gift-giving changed.  My huband's family would send large gifts to the biological kids  and my kids (his stepkids) would get small gifts. This was totally hurtful to all involved. My husband spoke to his family.  He asked them to give equal gifts to all of our children, and treat all children the same. Since then, they have cut me, my husband and my children off. No calls on birthdays, holidays, etc. We have tried to ask what we did wrong, but to no avail. Now, they send stuff for his kids to the ex-wife's house. I don't like feeling like this. I think it probably bothers me more than the kids. If they had never accepted the kids or me in the beginning I wouldn't be so concerned. They are totally unapproachable. I wish I could fix this.

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

Yes- the behavior of your husband's family is hurtful.  You and your husband did the right thing by requesting that all family members be treated equally.  Treating everyone the same will help keep your blended family strong and successful.

This is a tough situation.  Your husband needs to communicate, again with his relatives about the importance of treating all family members equal.  In person is better, but a letter will do.  Below is a template you and your husband may want to follow:

Mom, Dad and Sis-

I really love you.  I appreciate the way you accepted my wife and her kids, when I remarried over 4 years ago.  It really means a lot to me that you support me and my blended family.  Blended families are tough, and I'm very happy that I remarried, and glad that you supported me.

In recent years, I have noticed that the gifts to my stepchildren have not been equal to the gifts send to my biological kids.  I mentioned this to you before, but I'm guessing you really don't understand.  We are all family- and we all treat each other equally.  My wife doesn't treat my kids as inferior to hers, she loves them equally, and I treat her kids as my own.  It's very important to us that we treat all our kids equally and love them all the same.

I really need your support on this.  I love you and hope you understand.

From now on- all gifts to everyone in my family will need to be equal.  If you can't remember the amount- then buy gift cards at the beginning of the year, of equal amounts, and send them out at birthdays.  If you can't do this- then we request that you only send cards.

We will, in turn, do the same.  I hope you will support my blended family as much as you did when I first remarried.  If not, then I respectfully have to take care of my family first.  All unequal gifts will be returned.  We will be having a family meeting in my home, soon- and we are asking all of our kids to cooperate.  I love you and hope you will understand. 

Continue to love your kids and step kids- I think that's great that you are trying very hard to keep everything fair and equal.  You can't change your husband's family, but you can communicate your expectations.  You can also express your concerns to the kids and ask for their cooperation. I believe all of them are old enough to understand the necessity for equality and participate- as a family in this.  Good luck to you and your family.

For more information, read Chapter Ten of Blended Family Advice- "Expectations- managing your expectations and the expectatons of others."

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master's degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master's degree in Education.  She is the founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center. Shirley has a passion for helping blended and step families grow strong and be successful.  Sign up for our Free newsletter and receive a Free Report- Top Ten Worst Mistakes You Can Make in Your Blended Family, 

http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com

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