What do you do when an adult child returns home to a blended family?  This could be a 20-30 year old who is going through a divorce, lost his job, or possibly a college graduate who hasn’t found a job yet, or is going to college or graduate school and wants to live at home.

It is a complement that the adult child wants to live in this blended family- but that doesn’t make it any easier. You now have a day-to-day relationship with someone who you may have not been very close to before.

• Can I give my adult child rules and boundaries when she moves back in?
• Is it bad to ask him to help with chores?
• What about rent?  Can I charge her rent?
• What if my adult son wants a girl to spend the night in our home and I don’t approve- what can I do?

Basic principles:

The center of this home is you and your spouse. If anyone lives with you, they are under your supervision and guidance and should respect and obey you. Yes, “obey and respect” are strong words- but, it doesn’t matter how old a child is, if this adult child has moved into your home, he or she should respect you and be agreeable to your house rules and guidelines.

Keep the marriage in the center of your family. Talk with your spouse about basic house rules you want and together create some guidelines to present to your adult child or adult stepchild.

Here are examples of guidelines:

• keep your area clean
• be respectful, polite and kind to everyone in the home
• let us know where you are, when you are returning, and if you are going to be home for dinner, (your spouse would do the same for you- so your adult child can also be considerate.)
• participate in family chores. Your chores are (for example) keep the living room dusted and vacuumed, put the dishes in the dishwasher each evening, and help cook a meal 1-2 times a week.
• no overnight visitors in your home
• any other guidelines you and your spouse agree upon

It’s a parent’s job to raise a child to be independent, and function well in the community in a respectful manner. When an adult child moves home, he or she should learn that in every situation, there is someone in charge. In this house, you and your spouse are in charge. If the adult child wants to live with you- he or she will accept your guidelines.

Rent: Your adult child should also be given increased levels of responsibility. Unless you want your adult child to live with you for years, you need to establish an exit plan. This may involve a low rent that increases after a certain amount of months, or even a contract – agreeing when your adult child will make other living arrangements.

As a parent, it’s your responsibility to teach your child independence. There are situations when your adult child needs your help- and it’s wonderful when you and your spouse are able to help an adult child.  But- this assistance should not undermine your marriage or heavily disrupt your household.  Protect your marriage and show your child an excellent example of a stable home- one in which the mom and dad in this home create guidelines that are fair, loving, and help everyone in the home.

Make sure you and your spouse agree on the guidelines before presenting them to your adult child. If there are younger children in the house, remember to treat them fairly (also age appropriately) by assigning them chores and responsibilities in your home. The key to success- keep your marriage a priority and work through this situation with your spouse- together. I wish you the best of luck.

Shirley Cress Dudley is the internationally known author of the book Blended Family Advice, and founder of The Blended & Step Family Resource Center- which offers coaching, ebooks, newsletters and more.  Her website is:  www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com Shirley has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful.

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